Thursday, February 24, 2011


Many times you can hear people decry those in power, whether they are leading a household, business, municipality, or even the country. “What a bunch idiots! Now I have to pay more taxes because those fat cats up in Washington can’t get their shit together,” can occasionally be heard from the mouth of frustrated voters.”  Well, there is probably a pretty good reason that the fat cats are such idiots.
One would hope that the most capable and intelligent people are the ones who are running for and getting into office, this is not really the practice that we as humans are able to implement. In the United States, to get elected first you need to run and, more often than not, you need to receive votes. Neither of these are actually good indicators of ability. First the best and brightest individuals many times would rather go into professions such as engineer or doctor that; takes a lot of education and dedication. Many times when one goes about getting this education they would rather put this education to use in their desired profession, and not into the public sector, which might grant them little to no pay. The reason they do this is, like I said, their smart, and when weighing whether they want to hold an immense amount of responsibility, generate little to no income, while receiving a good amount of ill will from their constituents many of these intelligent people will respond with anything from a polite and tactful “no thank you” to a hearty “go fuck yourself.”
Another reason the best and brightest aren’t usually candidates  is because in the time that they spent studying and working and achieving, more often than not, they had to choose between socializing, studying, and eating or sleeping. As such they were not as able to socialize, which both inhibited them from socializing, and might have fostered an alarming addiction to video games, Mountain Dew, and Family Guy re-runs, which voters might see as a negative for someone in the role of President of the United States.
This being said politics has turned into something more like the Dating Game and Less like Jeopardy. This being said the next time you see a charismatic, endearing, and likeable candidate for political office there is a good chance that he was the guy who you see doing a twenty second keg stand at a party, the nice young lady doing blow in the club bathroom, or the person who left your party with a lampshade on his head and somehow ended up in the hospital with a broken hand, a warrant for his arrest in two states, and fifty cracker packages from a local diner. These are the kids who partied the night before the test, and turned binge drinking into a way of life. Now they’re adults so the drinking has changed from malt liquor and PBR, and the parties feature more suits and less kegs. Are they incapable of running the country? No, but they probably were C students, getting passable grades in classes in things like political science, ethics, and economics. So get out and vote.

Wednesday, February 16, 2011

Gravitational Energy of Raindrops

Musings are easy to come up with. Other people’s problems are remote enough to solve after a good thirty seconds of contemplation. One such musing that was an attempt to help a friend was to explain that there is a reason that they’re called relationships and not relationwalkintheparks. The reason is that much like ships they are, at best, expected to sail off into the unknown, and unfortunately, sometimes they sink. I thought this up on the spot, and, to my knowledge, I didn't even take it from a sitcom or a made for TV movie.
                More difficult than offering a simple musing is giving  advice. Optimally I would rather spend time contemplating the gravitational energy of raindrops, then concocting advice. At best I can spend my time thoughtfully and carefully constructing advice that would be beneficial to all parties involved. Gems such as “You know what? It is probably better to calm down a bit before you use Facebook to vent your frustration by saying that you’re glad Steve has contracted Chlamydia, because at least now he can give something on the holidays other than a sad look and an IOU. Instead how about we have a dance party and then pop some bubble wrap?” I could also take the easy way out and not spend any time or effort in advice I dispense. For example, “I don’t want to do this homework.” “Then don’t.” “But if I don’t do it I’ll fail my class.” “Then do it.” This advice is not thought provoking, nor constructive but it is relatively safe. Finally there is advice born from frustration and annoyance that is destructive and dangerous. “It sucks that the girl you like has not text you in twenty minutes, I bet she’s either trying to make you think that she’s fornicating with another dude, or she might be dead. You should get good and drunk on whisky and despair and spill your soul to her at four in the morning.”  This type of advice is hopefully recognized as both sarcastic and a warning to figure it out on their own.
                However, I would personally rather contemplate gravitational energy of raindrops, then how the Universe is both finite and infinite, and then try to decipher why so many sorority girls enjoy 4 Loko and Ke$ha, then offer either advice or a musing.  People are going to make decisions based on what they want and not what is right. Essentially people ask for your time and energy to tell them what they want to hear and then you’re the asshole for being a straight shooter. So my advice to advice givers is to have fun with it, because there is very little chance that any advice you give is going to be heeded. Tell the girl wearing pants that are meant for a twelve year old that her butt doesn’t look big, tell your friend at the party that the girl who is pissed off at her humongous boyfriend is totally in to him and he should go for it, when your roommate is hung over offer a ‘family remedy’ which is essentially Tabasco sauce, mustard, and Koolaid, but remember that if you knowingly give advice that is going to end poorly that at least they’ll learn on their own. Hopefully your relationship with the person receiving advice will navigate themselves back into your good graces, or perhaps they’ll dash your relationship against the rocks and run it into the Kraken, but at least it’ll be a hell of a ride.

Wednesday, February 9, 2011

Had to Do it: Live Free or Die

                Every now and again a saying takes a group of friends, a community, or even the country by storm. Examples of sayings like this include rustle my jimmies or that’s what she said. Occasionally it ceases being a conscious choice to communicate the idea that you did indeed watch the same television show or were perhaps present at a party where the drunk guy was able to communicate the same syllable, instead it becomes a subconscious little tick that enters your vernacular, much the same way that “lol” is used at somewhat awkward or inappropriate times during a texting conversation, or essay, or eulogy.
            At the beginning of my college career, out of habit from working in retail I would  add “and stuff” onto almost everything I said. “I’m just getting ready and stuff,” “No I’m too tired and stuff” and many other permutations followed, as it had been ingrained into my vocabulary. This was picked up upon by my very astute friends, and, first mockingly but later out of habit, they picked up “and stuff” and it had become viral. Out of concentrated effort and shame we were able to heal ourselves of “and stuff,” as though we washed our mouths out with the strongest cocktail of hand sanitizer, Emergen-C, and Airborne immune system boosters, and thus our vocabulary reentered the realm of more or less normal, until recently.
            Recently a friend of mine introduced me to his new catch-all phrase. Used ideally, though not necessarily, when answering a question including the word “why.” His phrase works when answering for one’s self, someone else, an entire group of people, no one in particular, and even inanimate objects. The phrase is simply “Had to do it,” in all its ambiguous glory this phrase has the viral potential to sweep the country, nay the world, with a fervor not seen since the Whassup commercials of yore. Conversations are rife with possibilities of this phrase. “Why is the table broken?” “Had to do it" “Is she pregnant?” “Had to do it.” “Is that man wearing a corset?” “I guess he had to do it” “You’re being an ass.” “Had to do it.” This phrase was the perfect storm of nonchalance and attitude. It entered my conversation for casual conversation, my roommate picked it up, in was rampant at work, it was nearing an epidemic in my life. It needed to be stopped.
            The other night at a bar, my friends were enjoying some nice drinks in tiki glasses, with fruit and an umbrella, I was sipping away on an always delicious ginger ale and the rebellion began.  Over a conversation that spread from childhood to drug induced finger painting, the discussion shifted to an event in New Hampshire. The event, though funny, is now irrelevant to us realizing the state New Hampshire is the Live Free or Die state. We realized how subversive this statement is and how it could in fact inoculate us from “had to do it.” Live Free or Die can be an ideal, a justification, an interjection, and a war cry, or all of these at once. Drunk Frat boys and inspirational athletes could scream this with little effort, crying girls could be bolstered and brought back to their perky selves with this, most of all it could be interchanged with “had to do it.”
            I know the revolution before us is tough. Conformity is something to be feared in the modern age. The repetition of phrases is mistaken for humor, tone and context of the phrase could be the difference between the king of catchphrases, or just another failed pipedream.  Whenever I ask myself why this needs to be done I just ask myself what my hero would do. Now I ask you what would Jack Nicholson do? He’d Live Free or Die. ¡Viva  la revoluciĆ³n!

Monday, February 7, 2011

Special Report: Kanye West’s* Inauguration

*actual Quotes from Kanye West will be underlined
            To start an undoubtedly unprecedented four years President Kanye West was inaugurated and almost successfully sworn in. As he was about to finish the oath of office the now President of the United States interrupted Chief Justice John G. Roberts, by saying, “I’m really happy for you, I know this is a big day for you, I’m gonna let you finish, but this is the biggest day for me of all time... Of all time!”
            After being elected in a landslide of votes by Americans who wanted to see what would happen since a majority of voters believed that the world was going to end in December 2012 anyway, President West then unexpectedly began what seemed like an unrehearsed Inaugural address. The audience present now realizing that the world did not, in fact, end watched with bated breath hoping that Mr. West might rise to the occasion, or at the very least be the new scapegoat for late night comedians. He did not disappoint.
            I don’t know what’s better, getting laid or getting paid, but being the President is a pretty close third,” is how he began his address that was riddled with half formed ideas and quotes to keep the media happy for years to come. “We are going to paint the white house black then I am going to change the cardinal directions so that west is Kanye and east is West so that for years to come the world will read my name...” He continued to inform the public of all his plans for his presidency for the next four minutes until his Vice-President, Jay-Z, informed him that except for perhaps painting the white house, most of these ideas are either impossible or a tremendous over step of the limits of his Presidential power.
            “I am the genius voice of this generation**, we gonna touch the sky, because the only thing promised in life is death,” replied the President. “Now I can let these dream killers kill my self esteem-or use my arrogance as steam to power my dreams, I have always believed that if you keep your nose out the sky, keep your heart to God, and keep your face to the raising sun, then nothing can go wrong...” At this point Vice President Z was able to calm President West down enough to finish the oath of office, after which President West was able to formally begin his inaugural address by finishing his informal address that he had begun earlier stating, “We all self-conscious. I'm just the first to admit it, but I know that I got an Angel watching me from the other side.” He continued by saying that he know the presidency will be “a lot of pressure for one human being, especially because this dark diction has become America's addiction,” most likely referring to himself. End his highly entertaining, but somewhat worrisome speech, President West promised the American Public that he will try to be the best President “of all time...All time!!!”
**Quoted From South Park

The awkward, devoid of content first post

This is where I will begin the blog that I will most likely delude myself into thinking that at least three people other than myself will even  look. Hopefully at the very least I can dump work from my Wit seminar here for some sort of feedback, or I can turn it into an attention starved attempt to rant about anything and everything no one cares about, I decided to leave it open for myself. As the always wise Tigger would say TTFN