Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Resume I have Always Wanted to Write

To whom it concerns,
I submit my name before you I hope of securing employment with your organization. As the baby boomer generation grows older, the job market is opening up like almost never before. Soon corporations will be begging for new, young employees to fill the gaps of a rapidly aging, and therefore retiring, generation. I choose to make myself available to you now in an effort to show both gumption and proactivity that your company appreciates, or will soon appreciate as a new, less cultured workforce begins to thrust themselves into the workforce.
Having been pursuing education for the past eighteen years of my life I do not have much to offer in terms of experience, either in this particular field, or any that requires any level of real responsibility for that matter. From working four years in retail I do have rudimentary people skills, can count to ten, can stay up past ten pm, can wake up before six am, and have experience in wearing uncomfortable uniforms. I am well versed in working for incompetent managers and supervisors. I have experience helping multiple unreasonable people when I’m not technically on the clock. I am used to being asked at the last minute to come in early and stay late, but if I need to leave thirty minutes early then I am asking for the world to revolve around me
                  Having graduated high school, and being on the verge of completing college I am able to coherently articulate myself in both spoken and written word. I am used to making and maintaining schedules. Most of all I am used to working. Beyond working I am able to get the job done. If it were possible to be employed based solely on being able to finish the job, despite inadequate training, assistance from coworkers, motivation, job satisfaction, inadequate materials, sickness, and multiple other responsibilities such as eating, sleeping, and breathing, then I would be on the list of most successful people who still have to work for a living.
                In closing I am the most capable, if not qualified by means of education, training, or experience, for employment with your organization. I am the go to guy, the one that everyone looks to for help. I get shit done.
With Best Regards,
Your newest (and best) employee

Special Skills
§  Tall enough to reach the top and back of most shelves
§  Ability to answer at least fifty percent of questions on Jeopardy
§  Have read the entire series of Harry Potter, in order, multiple times
§  Once achieved a score of five stars on the song Free Bird on Guitar Hero II
§  Able to text rapidly and discreetly
§  Able to get people to laugh while they are crying (AKA Craughing)
§  Have watched the entire series of Seinfeld, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, the Venture Bros, Deadliest Warrior, most episodes of mythbusters, and the occasional episode of Wheel of Fortune
§  I have won multiple trivia competitions with various prizes
§  Depending on the day I range from a decent to excellent at beerpong
§  I once kicked in a door
§  I am able to grow facial hair to the point that I have multiple options in how to groom my face
§  I am able to talk to the opposite sex with little to no worry about making a fool of myself
§  My mother says I have a good sense of humor
§  I don’t get cold very easily, and therefore  have little trouble sharing my jacket
§  I enjoying eating very spicier food than your average person
§  I have no problem sharing my dessert as I do not particularly like sweets
§  I can cook a mean roast
§  I don’t flinch during scary movies
§  I can usually untie most knots
§  I do my own laundry
§  When I fail to color in the lines, its due to artistic license
§  Know how tell analog, digital, and military time
§  If need be I know how to make a call on a rotary phone
§  I will always be the designated driver
§  I beat pokemon silver once
§  I am a pretty good writer
§  And most of all I get the job done


Thursday, March 10, 2011

Some Modesty Please

Please do not Read this if you are easily offended by subjects such as Religion, Sex, do not understand what the word SATIRE means, or think that I would in actuality try to justify molestation in any way, shape, or form. That being said understand that if you read this and get upset, be upset at a situation that would make a story like this possible, not the writer who wanted to write something more substantial than what i had been writing.
I am the victim. I was minding my own business and I was seduced. Seduced by the innocence of youth and trust, I had no recourse. My whole life I’ve had no urges, even all through seminary and as I was a young priest I was in control, just me, my parish, and the Lord in our little corner of Ireland. This all changed when I saw him.
                For years it has been the practice of the church to keep quiet anything that could be considered a scandal, this decision coming from the Pope himself. I don’t, however, see this as an excuse to run wild, though more as an omission that the church is run by humans and as such there is the possibility for fallibility, especially with the more basic human desires.
                I was at my most basic when young Alan stepped through the church doors. He was already young, 11, and looked young for his age. He was to be an altar boy and for some reason my heart skipped a beat. I saw him put on the robes, carrying the cross for me and I could not control myself. With him primped and polished for the Sunday service, dressed in his little suit he must have known what he was doing, enticing me to a level that was nearing torture.  Then he asked me for an audience and I was in trouble.
                He sat in my office fidgeting making nervousness the new cute and then he spoke in his clear, angelic voice. “I’m worried that as my body is changing, I’m starting be attracted to people. More specifically my best friend Tommy.” For some reason all I heard was bells, this was my in, he was totally coming on to me. I told him, we all have urges, and then I put my hand on his and told him that it all depends on whether we act on them.  To illustrate this I acted, waiting for his reaction, our romp lasted ten minutes.
                After we finished our meeting it seemed like he had this look of regret, he had this foreboding little pout that just melted my heart. I knew I was fucked.  He had tears in his eyes, and I could not understand why. He had made himself look adorable, he had insisted on meeting me alone in my office, he told me about his urges about his probably fictional friend Tommy and the associated feelings he was developing for him. Alan had planned and executed my seduction, and now he was having regrets? I could do nothing but pray that the lord would forgive me my weakness and grant me clarity to know what to do moving forward.
                Now I’m sitting in holding cell hearing words thrown around that chill me to the bone; “pedophile,” “molestation,” “no-good son of a bitch that deserves everything that befalls him,” “man of the Lord me arse.” As I dwell on this I can’t help but feel victimized. I was seduced, I opened myself, I was the one who was betrayed, I was the one who lost his livelihood. I am the one who was sitting in a cold cell, being glared at by large angry men. I couldn’t help but feel that I would be victimized again, all because Alan looked so damn cute.

Thursday, March 3, 2011

Warlock Charlie: The New Superman

By now most people have seen the meteoric plunge that is Charlie Sheen's sanity. The once beloved actor seemed to have jumped the ship of normalcy into the abyss of crazy. I offer, however, that he has instead become what will henceforth be known as super sane, or colloquially as Warlockism.
Mr. Sheen has already stated that he doesn't suffer from a normal mental disorder such bipolar disorder, but instead has bi-winning, which means sometimes he wins sometimes he doesn't. This heretofore unheard of condition is caused by his super sanity. When asked if he took cocaine Sheen replied that he doesn't take cocaine, he buys it. A sentiment like this, on the surface seems like the rambling of a man unhinged; instead it is in actuality a clear and concise statement of fact. In a world that a majority of people are on the sane level, it stands to reason that he would feel it necessary to dumb down his reasoning to the most clear and concise level possible.
How has Mr. Sheen achieved this level of super sanity that is on par with savant-ism?  In his own words Sheen is so special because he has the benefit of "tiger blood" and "Adonis DNA." These sound made up, however, such a level of sanity is not possible without the aid of some sort of supplement. Supplements so fantastic and terrifyingly named can only be the tools of the super sane, or a warlock.
Further evidence of Sheen's status as a warlock is how he describes himself. In his own words, "I'm extremely old-fashioned, I'm a nobleman, I'm chivalrous. I believe that chivalry is not dead, it's just been in a coma for a while." Only someone with values of yore could manage a sanity that is as all-encompassing as Charlie Sheen's,
With a psyche as fortified as his, the only option that Charlie Sheen has is to focus on developing superpowers to fight all the evil in the world, perhaps developing the foresight to keep his most eccentric thoughts and desires to himself. Or he could just find it in himself, as one of the greatest actors in all of history, to act just regular sane so that Two and a Half Men can continue undisturbed.