Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Resume I have Always Wanted to Write

To whom it concerns,
I submit my name before you I hope of securing employment with your organization. As the baby boomer generation grows older, the job market is opening up like almost never before. Soon corporations will be begging for new, young employees to fill the gaps of a rapidly aging, and therefore retiring, generation. I choose to make myself available to you now in an effort to show both gumption and proactivity that your company appreciates, or will soon appreciate as a new, less cultured workforce begins to thrust themselves into the workforce.
Having been pursuing education for the past eighteen years of my life I do not have much to offer in terms of experience, either in this particular field, or any that requires any level of real responsibility for that matter. From working four years in retail I do have rudimentary people skills, can count to ten, can stay up past ten pm, can wake up before six am, and have experience in wearing uncomfortable uniforms. I am well versed in working for incompetent managers and supervisors. I have experience helping multiple unreasonable people when I’m not technically on the clock. I am used to being asked at the last minute to come in early and stay late, but if I need to leave thirty minutes early then I am asking for the world to revolve around me
                  Having graduated high school, and being on the verge of completing college I am able to coherently articulate myself in both spoken and written word. I am used to making and maintaining schedules. Most of all I am used to working. Beyond working I am able to get the job done. If it were possible to be employed based solely on being able to finish the job, despite inadequate training, assistance from coworkers, motivation, job satisfaction, inadequate materials, sickness, and multiple other responsibilities such as eating, sleeping, and breathing, then I would be on the list of most successful people who still have to work for a living.
                In closing I am the most capable, if not qualified by means of education, training, or experience, for employment with your organization. I am the go to guy, the one that everyone looks to for help. I get shit done.
With Best Regards,
Your newest (and best) employee

Special Skills
§  Tall enough to reach the top and back of most shelves
§  Ability to answer at least fifty percent of questions on Jeopardy
§  Have read the entire series of Harry Potter, in order, multiple times
§  Once achieved a score of five stars on the song Free Bird on Guitar Hero II
§  Able to text rapidly and discreetly
§  Able to get people to laugh while they are crying (AKA Craughing)
§  Have watched the entire series of Seinfeld, It’s Always Sunny In Philadelphia, Simpsons, Family Guy, Futurama, the Venture Bros, Deadliest Warrior, most episodes of mythbusters, and the occasional episode of Wheel of Fortune
§  I have won multiple trivia competitions with various prizes
§  Depending on the day I range from a decent to excellent at beerpong
§  I once kicked in a door
§  I am able to grow facial hair to the point that I have multiple options in how to groom my face
§  I am able to talk to the opposite sex with little to no worry about making a fool of myself
§  My mother says I have a good sense of humor
§  I don’t get cold very easily, and therefore  have little trouble sharing my jacket
§  I enjoying eating very spicier food than your average person
§  I have no problem sharing my dessert as I do not particularly like sweets
§  I can cook a mean roast
§  I don’t flinch during scary movies
§  I can usually untie most knots
§  I do my own laundry
§  When I fail to color in the lines, its due to artistic license
§  Know how tell analog, digital, and military time
§  If need be I know how to make a call on a rotary phone
§  I will always be the designated driver
§  I beat pokemon silver once
§  I am a pretty good writer
§  And most of all I get the job done



  1. I like the list! Very Rabelais-esque.

  2. Haha to the rotary phone

  3. And hes got a huge dick...

  4. If you need me to write a letter verifying your sense of humor, to include specific examples, I'd be more than happy to...

    Your mother

    P.S. I'd hire you...

    P.P.S. Any ideas as to who the genius who wrote the comment at 10:44 is, and how they might know that info? I might need to sit down and have a little chat with that person! LOL